Outside and Inside because You are both Places

Whether I wither into a dunce
Or grow to great acclaim
I will always remember the meanings
Attached to my name

I need this to work so badly. I need to be in a good place. I'm so tired I barely want to move most of the time, I'd rather attach myself to a world that isn't mine. 90% of the sentences I write begin with 'I'. Will I ever move outside my own head? This is easier than a journal; I can't even read my own writing most of time. I'm happy but I'm also tired. Shouldn't happiness give you energy? I hate feeling like I'm going to crumble in most social situations. I can't remember telephone conversations I have with Landlady's or businesses or potential employers because I get so nervous I barely know what I'm saying to them. Wouldn't it be great if I could regulate or have absolute control over my reactions to people? I'd say it would be great if I could control other people's reactions too but then I get into creepy controlling tyrant person territory...I'm already afraid of becoming that enough believe you me. I really want to make something beautiful but I can't without doing this first, and maybe even after doing this I'll still have shit. Can it be pretty shit? I can't wait until I feel completely whole if that ever happens. Tomorrow I'm going to get a place that is mine, won't that be nice? Now I just need a job. The house just dropped into my lap so it really isn't fair of me to assume that the job will too. Soon my love (who will probably read this, kiss kiss kiss)you will be with me, I feel it, but don't take that as a hint or a pinch you have to do things within your own time, as do I, but I get by on pretty horizons. You are that wavy pinkish red I saw flaming in the sky yesterday...I actually tried to take a picture of it on my phone to send to you but it was greatly demeaned by the quality of my camera phone and thus not worth it. I keep thinking of how we'll truly have a life together here, temporary though it may be...it really is a lovely place. From there we can go anywhere! I think we should serve some kind of orginization that helps build homes in foreign countries together for awhile, and then we can live in a small place in San Fransico and or on a beach somewhere...I don't know, I just think we should be adventuresome. This started out as a rambling stream-of-conciousness and then turned into a message to you, but I guess that's part of it anyway. Sometimes I just speak better in letters than in sounds. I love you, and I know you love me too. It makes me so happy when you write beatiful things or get excited about projects...there's nothing more sincere than the look on your face when you can see something that isn't made yet but you know you can make it. I feel like such an awkward nervous bastard sometimes but you don't care and I appreciate that. I'm growing, we both are. Growing sometimes works better in pairs. I'm going to go eat garlic fries and sugar-free shakes whilst watching Gilmore Girls. I hope you are happy and not worried. I love you.